I am at a loss for words these days. I want to write, but feel strangely unable to. I can’t describe the mess of emotions I am experiencing, and my many attempts have turned out rather poorly. They are erased as quickly as they are written because they lack one necessary element:
The truth.
I tend to spin things in such a way, that everything seems SO wonderful. My cup is half full – well at least it is on paper.
Because I don’t want to seem vulnerable and hurting, I shed our story in a pretty light. And while our story is beautiful, mixed in with shiny glimmers of blessings, forgiveness, and love, there are undeniable grey shadows that linger.
These shadows are the elements that make life difficult. I say they are grey because really they are that. I, in the past have had my own share of black shadows- these shadows are no comparison, and for that I am thankful.
As I am writing this, an unexpected storm is brewing outside. The sky is very dark and angry. Clouds are low, circling, and heavy with rain. Trees are blowing, dogs are barking, windows and shutters are banging, it is violent. Even scary. I can feel fear mounting as it rages on. But the birds are singing. Isn’t that odd? In the midst of a storm there is singing?
They know that soon the storm will be over, it could very well upset their lives, their homes, their families even, but eventually there will be peace again. A calm will return. It’s God’s promise.
Perhaps I should apply that to my own life. I can’t sing in the rain. Instead I weep.
But still, He is what I hope in.
I long for the rest AFTER the rain. I am excited for what lies ahead. I am greatful for everything God has prepared for us.
I am thankful for our story.
As hard as these past two years have been, I am utterly thankful.
I have no regrets.
But.
I am drenched in exhaustion.
I am Weary.
I’ve been Broken.
I am in Mourning.
And I am fearful that our storm will never end. Or worse this is the calm BEFORE the storm. (Maybe my cup is half empty)
And that is the Truth.
These are my grey shadows.
That linger…
I appreciate your honesty, Cari, but now I want to cry.
Love you,
Mom2
Thinking of you, dear friend. You are so lovely and your story is beautiful.
Oh sweet Cari, as one who has walked a similar road, the calm will come again. I promise. And He will have molded a more perfect vessel to hold His Glory, through the storm. Hold on to Him and weep if you need to now, “…joy will come in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).
praying for you!
I’ve been here in that place of wanting to share, but afraid of the vulnerability…and sometimes even the inability to know how to write what I’m walking through, the wrestling happening deep inside….I cannot wait for you to get here… we can talk, and pray and process….I know at least in part perhaps where you are coming from though I don’t know all the story. But I can’t wait to sit and listen if you’re willing to share, and let me love on you and pray for you and with you!
Storms can be pretty awful, overwhelming and scary. I love you.