If I could tell her | Dugan Adoption Diaries

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With every month that passes, on that day I wonder…

“Is she thinking of her?”

I know that we are thinking of her birth mama. Wondering how she is doing, and where she is. It is odd to have months and months of connection leading up to the delivery, and then have sparse information afterwards. We have what is called a semi-open adoption, meaning that all communication between her birth mom and us goes directly through the agency. Which for now is what works best for her birth mama, and I try my best to pen and cram every single detail into our letters to her. But its just not the same, so if I could sit down across the table from her, I would in a heartbeat.

I’d tell her …

How she has started to smile this huge -gummy smile when you walk into the room, and even greets you with a squeal. A really loud squeal. It is so funny how a baby who rarely cries, can be SO loud when she’s happy! Her whole entire face lights up in a way that reminds me of her. So so beautiful. I am so so happy she resembles her birth mama and I whisper that into her ear everyday.

I’d tell her..

How she absolutely hates her carseat unless big sister is sitting beside her on pacifier duty. We are working on this since we have to spend almost three hours a day is the car now, to take her bigs to school. She is very quick to tell me how she feels about the situation with angry yells. Seriously- this girl barely cries- but don’t make her angry !

I’d tell her…

How her pout is the cutest thing in the entire world, and how those glassy- forest green/brown eyes completely melt me into the biggest puddle ever. I mean sometimes we can’t even believe that this girl is even real. She oozes sweetness and gentleness.

I’d tell her…

That she is the best little sleeper and napper ever created. Sometimes during nap time I can’t help but go in and just stare at her. So what if the laundry piles up, and the dishes never get done? I am too busy counting all of her dimples and eyelashes, and watching her dream. She isn’t the biggest snugeller, so at 3am when her body is really heavy with sleep you can find me in the living room holding her really tight. Because some days that is the only snuggles I get from my busy girl.

I’d tell her…

How much she adores her big brother and big sisters. Her favorite pastime is to hold their fingers, and coo story after story. They love her too, and I am often fielding arguments about who’s turn it is next to have Selah time.

I’d tell her…

How her striped blanket is her favorite, and if she had her way, she would bury her face in it all day long. I swear that the other day she smiled only because she saw it in my hand. She also loves her pacifier to go to sleep with.

I’d tell her …

That the debate is still out if her hair is going to be curly or straight. Somedays she has a ringlet on the top of her head, other days it is stick straight. Regardless it is dark and beautiful.

I’d tell her…

How her Daddy completely bypasses me somedays to greet her first. He is smitten, and she has him all wrapped up in her little cute pinky. I don’t mind at all because I think it is the most adorable thing ever.

I’d tell her…

How bath time seems to surprise her every single time. She gets in and has the strangest look on her face of wonderment, before breaking out into a huge smile. Cracks. Me. Up.

I’d tell her…

That she has a pensive and serious side to her. She is already trying to solve the world’s problems- I am convinced of it. We joke that her intense gaze can make you feel a little uneasy – as if she is looking straight into your soul. It’s those eyes, I’m telling you.

I’d tell her…

That her rolls have rolls. She is a tiny little thing, but THAT chub. I have to keep myself from biting her every. single . day. It’s hard. REALLY hard.

I’d tell her…

That we think of her all the time. That her name is spoken at our dinner table with love and affection. And that we often pray for her. That every time Selah does something sweet or new, the first person I want to tell is her.

I’d tell her…

That she is missed, and loved.

I’d tell her…

That we are so unbelievably thankful to have such a beautiful, and precious piece of her in our lives.

I’d say..

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.